And in the fourth watch of the night [Jesus] came to them, walking on the sea. But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

Matthew 14:25–27

The way Jesus handled his disciples’ fear is so different from the way we handle our own.

Jesus is gentle and compassionate. He is tenderly comforting. He reassured his disciples by identifying himself to them. They knew the sound of his voice and would have felt relieved as he began speaking to them. “Do not be afraid” was an invitation to relax, not a shaming reprimand.

How different would this story be if Jesus had yelled at the disciples for feeling afraid? What if he had hollered at them, “You fools. You shouldn’t feel anxious. You should know I can do anything!”

Jesus does not do this here (nor anywhere in Scripture). But how often do we do this to ourselves?

If anxiety had a shadow, it would be shame—the shoulds and shouldn’ts that often follow anxiety wherever it goes.

“I should be grateful, not anxious. I’m glad I was invited to my friend’s house.”

“I should stop worrying and calm down. It’s going to be fine.”

“I shouldn’t be so stressed. This isn’t a big deal.”

It is amazing how often we tell ourselves what we should or shouldn’t feel, as if we could directly control what we experience emotionally. In fact, many of us feel ashamed for feeling anxious (in our heads, we might hear, “I feel stupid for feeling . . .” or “I feel bad for feeling .  .  .”). In reality, shame only makes things worse.

When we shame ourselves over our emotions (the shoulds and shouldn’ts), they don’t just go away. Their energy stores up in our bodies in different ways. This is why I had horrible stomach pain and nausea when I was working sixty hours a week. And it’s sometimes why we have headaches or other types of pain in our bodies. Anxiety can be a sign we have a lot of emotion stored up in our bodies. Our emotion is made to be seen, felt, and shared with others who can bear our burdens with us. We see this with Jesus, who invites his friends to entrust their fear to him and let him bear that burden with them.

Have you ever held in a sneeze? It’s painful. It needs to make its way out. It’s ridiculous to imagine telling yourself, “You shouldn’t sneeze. You’re stupid for feeling like you want to sneeze.” Sneezes and emotions both need to be released.

But we know there’s a time and a place for them as well. We don’t want to sneeze on the person sitting in front of us in school. We want to make sure our sneeze has a safe place to land. It would be far better to identify that we need to sneeze, choose the right place to aim our noses, and then sneeze away. The same is true with our emotions, although how we express them may look or sound different depending on our culture or family background.

The first and best place to aim our emotions is Jesus, the one who gently tells us, “Take heart; it is I.” He is the one who already sees and knows us and loves us to the very depths of our emotions. The Ruler of heaven and earth invites us to share with him, to let him be our friend. He invites us to hear his powerful voice—the one that calms our storms as he says, “Do not be afraid.” For he is with us, and he never leaves us on our own.

—Liz Edrington, author, Anxiety