The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise.

Proverbs 15:31

Who is the wisest person you know? Perhaps it’s a professor whose unmatched expertise leaves you in awe. Perhaps it’s a pastor with an uncanny ability to relate Scripture to your unique life circumstances. Perhaps it’s a counselor who always has the right thing to say to heal your bleeding heart.

How did this person become so wise? You may think their wisdom came as a result of education, age, or experience. It didn’t. According to the book of Proverbs, the number one way that a person becomes wise is by hearing, internalizing, and applying constructive feedback (1:7; 8:33; 12:1; 13:1, 10; 15:5, 31; 19:20; 29:15). We grow in wisdom when we receive criticism with humble hearts and put it to good use.

If this is the case, then we have a remarkable opportunity to grow in wisdom in our marriages. After all, in what context are we criticized more? 

Unfortunately, our spouses’ “life-giving reproof ” (Prov. 15:31) often goes to waste. We don’t internalize it—let alone apply it. It beads off our hearts like water on a raincoat. 

Why are we so quick to dismiss criticism from our spouses? Because it really hurts. Here’s why:

• It’s often delivered in a not-so-gentle manner. Unfortunately, in marriage, we take advantage of the security of the husband-wife relationship and let our guards down when we criticize. We speak without filters. We raise our voices. Our criticism comes across as derogatory, degrading, and disrespectful.
• We know that our spouses’ criticism is probably true. Our husbands and wives have clear windows into our brokenness and sin. They know the truth about us—and the truth hurts.
• We love our spouses. We’ve given our hearts to our spouses. Naturally, we want them to love us back. When they criticize us, it feels like rejection from the person whose unconditional love we most desperately crave.

How do you move past the pain and rejoice when you’re criticized by your spouse? You must fall in love with the prize: wisdom. The more you love wisdom, the more you will be willing to endure pain to get it. But how do you fall in love with wisdom? For starters, don’t try to fall in love with the concept of wisdom. Nobody can truly love a concept. Fall in love with wisdom personified. Meditate on the person and work of Christ and fall in love with the one whom Paul calls “the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24). The more you love Jesus, the more you will love wisdom. And the more you will rejoice when you are criticized by your spouse.

— Steve Hoppe, author, Marriage Conflict